Archive for June, 2009

Just wait until 2012

You: Hey.
Stranger: hi]
Stranger: how r u?
You: Peachy. You?
Stranger: where r u from?
You: Earth.
Stranger: fine ,thanks
Stranger: female?
You: For the most part.
Stranger: r u E.T?
You: Drat, you caught me.
Stranger: from mars?
You: I’m totally a Martian. I know Marvin. We go way back.
Stranger: how old r u?
You: In Mars years? 75.
Stranger: so old
You: Yeah, I’ve been around a while. Watching Earth, chillin’ out eating space chipz.
Stranger: what do you think about earth?
You: It’s all right. You humans are pretty violent, but the dolphins and mice are cool.
Stranger: my son ,god bless you

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…and then the mutants formed a union.

You: Mutants or zombies?
Stranger: What kind of mutants?
You: The kind from Futurama.
Stranger: and what kind of pricing are we talking here? this business isnt made of money.
Stranger: sure we make money but thats the point.
You: lol
Stranger: how many arms do these mutants have? are the MS certified?
Stranger: and are they legal? I cant have any more INS crackdowns, not after last month.
You: Whoever you are, you’re awesome.
Stranger: I’m Goals oriented and I need to have a fully operational workforce by next week or the corporate sponsers are going to SHIT A PANTLOAD.
Stranger: we have Deadlines do you understand?
Stranger: Productivity was DOWN last week. We have NOBODY working the damn copier either.
Stranger: I need PRICES. Are they willing to work for Minimum wage and do I have to have some sort of quota met?
Stranger: Can I write them off as Tax Deductions?
You: Probably.
Stranger: Dammit thats not an answer, I need numbers. Do you understand what the hell I’m asking you here?
Stranger: If we dont have a bottom line by 3 o clock This shit will roll the fuck down hill and on your desk, do you understand?
Stranger: SHIT ROLLS DOWNHILL, I’M AT THE TOP OF THE HILL AND YOUR DESK IS AT THE BOTTOM SO DONT DICK AROUND WITH THE PRICING HERE. I AM SERIOUS.
You: I understand.
Stranger: I DONT THINK YOU DO.
Stranger: YOUR TWO BIT TEMP ORGANIZATION CAN GO EAT A HOT PLATE OF DOG BALLS I DONT GIVE A SHIT. I am outsourcing this to the Koreans… AGAIN. And when your kids are starving and asking you why mommy cant have her medication know its because of MORONS like you who think they can play fast andloose with their pricing while the american economy takes another shot in balls.

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Well, that was unexpected…

Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi bryan!
Stranger: Look out for your danger…
Stranger: You’ll be hit by a bus…
Stranger: Avoid all side walks…
You: okay bryan.
Stranger: FUCK YOU
Stranger: CUNT FUCKIN
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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Batman’s Design

Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Pants
You: jeans or slacks?
You: i prefer jeans
Stranger: I prefer sweatpants
You: hmmm good point
Stranger: I am ALWAYS prepared to roundhouse kick somebody in the face should the need arise
You: well perhaps i should stay away from you
You: we might not get along too well
You: i believe in world peace
Stranger: I do too.
Stranger: But sometimes violence is the only solution to an imminent threat
You: true, true. i just hope the threat isn’t as imminent as you seem to think it is
You: but way to be prepared
Stranger: Yeah.
Stranger: Well, you never know when some psychopath is waiting around the corner.
You: i took a facebook quiz for that
You: i was an insane psychopath
Stranger: I try and model myself off of batman: I try and be prepared for everything
You: so you might want to watch your back
You: do you have wings?
Stranger: No, just sweatpants.
You: did batman wear sweatpants?
Stranger: Well, batman’s suit is probably really flexible. I mean, it’d have to be for him to do all the ninja-y shit he does
Stranger: It’s probs even BETTER than sweatpants
Stranger: But that’s just cuz he’s rich
You: sweatpants can be kind of dangerous though because they could catch in anything
Stranger: I ain’t got no billion dollar trust fund
You: i bet spandex is better
Stranger: Hmm. Spandex is also more gay.
You: how much spandex do you think you could buy with a billion dollars?
Stranger: Oh quite a bit.
You: yah, that probably explains it
Stranger: But yeah, even if sweatpants can catch in anything, I can just use my telekinesis to un catch them
You: mmm true but i would think it’s not worth the risk
You: i mean, you might need your telekinesis for something else at that moment
You: while the enemy is distracting you
Stranger: Well, my sweatpants are also mad comfy, so they enhance my telekinetic abilities
You: just don’t let this slip to the enemy
You: i wouldn’t be mentioning this on a “talk to strangers” site
Stranger: They might try and catch me with my pants down?
You: do you really trust me that much already?
You: that is true. don’t poop
Stranger: I actually use the reverse digestion technique
You: really. do tell
Stranger: Why yes.
Stranger: You shove the food up your year, and you poop it out your mouth. It greatly reduces the risk of stomach cancer
You: mouth cancer?
Stranger: Dude. You don’t get sphincter cancer from pooping regularly
Stranger: So you obviously wouldn’t get mouth cancer from poop
You: well your mouth isn’t as well-suited to that stage of digestion
You: so it seems that there would be SOME side effects
Stranger: Well, the only one I can see so far
Stranger: Is my ability to spew crap at my enemies
You: oh true
You: genius
Stranger: Also, my ass burps and my mouth farts
You: i actually had not thought of that
Stranger: That’s pretty hardcore
You: definitely is
You: wow you’re taking batman to a whole new level
Stranger: Also, I can vomit out my ass too
You: are there really benefits to that though?
Stranger: I use this ability for vomit-propelled flight
You: it’s harder to aim your butt than your mouth though
Stranger: My ass is more buff than a man’s stomach, so I spew it out with more force, though
You: since you can’t see what you’re doing and thus exposing yourself to the enemy
You: oh are you a woman?
Stranger: No
Stranger: If a were a woman, I’d model myself after batGIRL
Stranger: Sheesh.
You: ok just checking….some women have masculine tendencies
You: maybe you’re bi?
Stranger: You mean trans? Bisexual I thought only referred to sexuality
You: it does. that is what i meant
Stranger: Oh
You: you are a girl who wants to model yourself after a man
Stranger: Well
Stranger: I’m afraid not.
Stranger: Really, I’m a hermaphrodite
Stranger: I have a penis
Stranger: AND I have nipples
You: how many?
Stranger: 2
You: penises?
You: impressive
Stranger: Quite
You: so you’re not a woman after all, i guess
You: doubly so
Stranger: Nope
You: are you half a virgin?
Stranger: Me? What are you smoking? I lost my virginities (both of them) before my dad did!
You: man you have skillz
Stranger: Besides, I’m skilled enough that I can use both at once… at different places
You: talk about threesomes
Stranger: You know it, man
You: masturbation must be pretty awesome too
Stranger: Heck, I can wank one WITH the other
You: so jealous
You: i’m actually a woman
You: and i only have one vagina
Stranger: Oh wow.
Stranger: Haha. Did you know that there’s an actual condition where a dude grows two dicks?
Stranger: It makes the guy impotent :|
You: oh mannn that sucks
Stranger: Luckily, my condition makes me DOUBLE potent :P
You: you truly are a wonder
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: I’m like Chuck Norris
Stranger: Only better
You: i used to have a penis, but my parents freaked out when i was born and castrated me
You: now i realize how much that sucks because i would have been able to do myself
Stranger: I know, right?!
You: well not like i could do anything
You: i was all of a couple days old
Stranger: Oh well
Stranger: What’s done is done
You: yah
You: wish i could grow it back though
Stranger: Oh, so you don’t have regeneration powers like me?
Stranger: Quite a shame :(
You: nope…i’m pretty much human
You: so why do you ONLY have 2? i’d think you’d have more by now
Stranger: Well, the more I grow, the more split up my power becomes
Stranger: It’s like the multiform technique from dragonball. Splitting it into to lessens my power just enough that I don’t kill people
You: i thought you said it made you doubly potent?
Stranger: Well, it does
Stranger: Killing somebody with potency
Stranger: Isn’t really potent at all
Stranger: is it?
You: well now i’m just confused
Stranger: Life is confusing
You: mine isn’t
Stranger: Well
You: i’ve always found my choices to be very clear
You: do you believe in predestination?
Stranger: Hehe. No
Stranger: Do you?
You: it’s quite comforting. nothing is my fault anymore

an in-depth religious conversation follows at this time.

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heres a tip

Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello
You: hey…..
Stranger: what’s going on?
You: sweet F A
Stranger: F A?
You: fuck all
Stranger: oh haha
Stranger: ok lol
You: just rammed a Q tip too far in
Stranger: oh no!
Stranger: that’s not good.
You: huh?
Stranger: take it out?
You: can’t hear you
You: wha?
Stranger: TAKE IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You: hang on i’ll take it out.
You: good idea for a bad idea to start with
Stranger: ok lol
You: they hurt
You: is blood a good thing or a bad thing to come from your ears>
Stranger: yeah, i can imagine
Stranger: bad.
You: not feeling too good now….drippy sensations
Stranger: ewww….
Stranger: go to the doctor O.o
You: juhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyykijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
You: oooooo head fell on keyboard
Stranger: :(
You have disconnected.

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Poison

Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Talk dirty to me
Stranger: please dont ask for asl
Stranger: ok
You: Best song by Poison
Stranger: your a dirty mass of man that is probably in his 50′s and should get a more stable job. and should stop using this as a porn site.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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Meaning

Connecting to server…
You\’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: m/f?
You: Does it matter?
You: Does anything really matter, when you get right down to it?
You: Is there any purpose in life at all?
Stranger: oh fuck off u grumpy fuck
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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Getting Real

Connecting to server…
You\’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: You see to the NORTH a gaping entrance to a CAVE. To the SOUTH is a shady FOREST. What do you do?

Stranger: hi

Stranger: I shit in the cave and then piss in the forest of course

You: You SHIT in the CAVE, then PISS in the FOREST. A BEAR emerges from the cave, looking ENRAGED. What do you do?

Stranger: Grab him by the balls , knock him down , slit his throat and then slice him, skin, him, and eat him

You: You attempt to GRAB the BEAR by the BALLS. The ENRAGED BEAR throws you against the cave wall. You are temporarily STUNNED. You are severely maimed by the BEAR. Your ANKLE is SPRAINED. What do you do?

Stranger: I kick the bear with my good leg.. I shove my foot up his ass and leave him stunned,. I then take my foot out from his ass and wipe his shit on the wall of the cave

You: You KICK the BEAR. The BEAR bites off your FOOT. What do you do?

Stranger: Nothing becuase the bear would not bite off my foot.. The bear doesnt like the taste of his own shit so he doesnt bite off my foot.. get real..

You: You attempt to GET REAL. You FAIL. What do you do?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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