Bakery hold up gone south


You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: DOWN ON THE GROUND! DON’T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING DRASTIC
Stranger: *attempts to be a hero*
You: *pulls out detonator
Stranger: MOTHER FUCKER IS SERIOUS
You: *tackles strange hero to the ground
You: *takes 5 steps back
Stranger: “well….want the hell do you want…this is a bakery.”
You: ummm
You: can i get
You: aw shit i hate when i can’t make up my mind
You: what do you guys have?
Stranger: Well….our specialty is cakes, but we need like a week in advance to make it
You: aw….ummm
You: what’s your guys best cake?
Stranger: well….price wise that’d be the chocolate truffle but my personal favourite would be the GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND
Stranger: *shotgun at face*
You: aw shit
You: *gets on the ground
You: *sneeks out detonator, pulls it out as stranger moves closer
Stranger: DON’T EVEN TRY IT
You: well bitch, looks like we can both die
You: or we can both live
You: your fucking choice
Stranger: well, where are your charges located?
You: *stands up, opens up jacket to reveal 10 homemade bombs strapped to his body
Stranger: And I take it that’s both a celluar detonator and reciever?
Stranger: budget wise I’ll admit it’s the way to go
You: yup
Stranger: well, guess what
You: i know saved me 10$
Stranger: I got enough steel in the walls to block out fucking NASA
Stranger: YOUR STANDING IN A FEREDAY CAGE BITCH
Stranger: NO RECEPTION
You: FUUUCK
You: wait
You: why the fuck do you have steel walls in a fucking bakery?
Stranger: Well, it’s also a P.A.W. shelter
You: ahh
You: *gets back down on the ground
Stranger: lotsa rebar and I-beams help out with the whole “living through a P.A.W.” thing
You: *unstraps bombs, hands them to strange bakery owned
Stranger: well…what do you wanna do here…because I really don’t feel like calling the police here.
You: *owner
Stranger: cause I got a fair amount of weed in the fridge
Stranger: fuck this….wanna roll one?
You: i have no idea, i have like 10$ on me, can i get some doughnuts?
You: fuck yeah
You: this is the best failed holdup attempt i’ve ever had!!!!!!
Stranger: I know eh
Stranger: alright, just go into the back room there, I’ll grab it and some papers
You: ok
Stranger: just figure It’s better a customer walking in doesn’t see this
You: *walks to the backroom opens up the fridge, pulls out a bag of weed asks”can i have a beer too man?”
Stranger: “yeah sure”
You: you want one too?
Stranger: Nah I’m good
You: *pulls out one beer
You: *puts the bag of weed on a table
Stranger: *see a glint out of the corner of your eye*
Stranger: “Well…seems I’m at an advantage here”
Stranger: *polished axe.*
You: awwwww shiiiiiiiiiit
Stranger: “guess you didn’t bother to check the freezer…..probably a good thing.”
You: *trys to run, trips near the door
You: *runs back opens the freezer
You: WHAT THE F/CK?
Stranger: *yep, she sucked in bed too*
Stranger: *you feel darkness sweep over you*
Stranger: “night night.”
You: *trys to run out the door
You: *jiggles the doorknob
You: fucking locked
You: *pulls pistol out of his backpocket
Stranger: “how the shit are you running….I just jammed a fucking axe in your L4″
You: who has the advantage now btich
You: you didn’t swing yet
You: :S
Stranger: Dude, I’m serious, check the mirror
You: aw shit really?
Stranger: there’s a goddamn axe in your L4
Stranger: dude fuck killing me
You: *walks to the mirror, stands sideways so he can see the front and back
Stranger: we gotta call Ripleys
You: whoa shit D:
You: am i like a ghost or some shit?
You: try punching me
Stranger: we’ll make millions
Stranger: *clocks you in the arm*
Stranger: that hurt?
Stranger: Dude, you wanted to make cash, leave it in
You: no :S
You: i didn’t even feel it
Stranger: oh….that’d be your spinal cord being severed………
Stranger: but your still standing? WTF this is ridiculous.
You: oh yeah, i won’t have feeling in my body for the rest of my life?
You: or is this like, fixable?
Stranger: I dunno
Stranger: this shit ain’t Gattica
Stranger: this is a bakery
You: should we like, go to a doctor?
Stranger: dude, how the shit are we going to explain an AXE in your back
You: we need to go the the forest first and stuff, get woodchips on the both of us
Stranger: that might work
You: then we can say i fell on my axe
You: ok, lets go with it
Stranger: sweet
You: wait
You: we’re in the city
You: where the hells the nearest forest?
Stranger: it’s like 130 miles
Stranger: fuck
You: and how to i sit in the damn truck? i have a axe in my back
You: *do
Stranger: you could lay down in the bed?
You: yeah, what if we get stopped though
You: i got it! i got it! we’re making a homemade movie
Stranger: well, you got that pistol of yours
Stranger: OH PERFECT
You: fuck, we make a good team
You: lets talk money now, 50/50?
Stranger: 60/40
You: i say 70/30
You: i have like
You: an axe in my back
Stranger: I DID put an axe in your back.
You: ok
You: 60/40
Stranger: 65/35
You: that way, we both get money
You: 60/40
Stranger: FINE
Stranger: christ
You: i’m trying to work it so it’s fair
Stranger: sometimes I think I should’ve never put that axe in your back.
You: 55/45
Stranger: nah 60/40
Stranger: deals a deal
You: nah the axe isn’t that bad man to be honest
You: it’s just
You: numb
You: so
You: 55/45
Stranger: fine
Stranger: alright lets go, we gotta cash in before you die or something
You: aw shit man
You: i’m starting to get feeling in my legs
You: they hurt D:
You: *trys to run to the truck
Stranger: we can do this man
You: *fails and falls down
Stranger: hang on
You: i can’t walk man
You: and you can’t carry me outside, that would look bad for your business
You: people will think you killed me
Stranger: yeah
You: wait
Stranger: I think that’d be a customer deterrent
You: you did fucking kill me
You: shit
You: how do we like
You: work this out
You: HEY!
You: i’m losing the feeling in my legs
You: i might be able to walk
You: *trys to get up, is successful
You: dude, i can walk
Stranger: alright, lets get to the truck
Stranger: before you spaz again
You: *walks to the truck, hops in the back, lays on stomach
You: dude, if i die on the way to the forest, it’s been nice meeting you
Stranger: same man
Stranger: *drives off*
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

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Rating: 7.9/10 (7 votes cast)
Bakery hold up gone south, 7.9 out of 10 based on 7 ratings
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